


You can't expect a sunset

by AllThirteenOfUs



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, One-Sided Attraction, im so sorry, it hurts I know, no happy endings here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 13:56:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16855246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThirteenOfUs/pseuds/AllThirteenOfUs
Summary: Yasmin Khan and Ryan Sinclair are getting married. But how does the doctor feel about this?(from the perspective of 13)





	You can't expect a sunset

She had watched them fall in love. A part of her knew it was always going to happen after all she had seen the way they looked at each other when they thought nobody was watching, she had watched them banter backward and forwards becoming closer and closer with each other. It was her fault, after all, she picked them up from their normal everyday lives, showed them impossible things that they could never share with anyone and just expected them to not seek solace in each other. She just never thought it would hurt this much. She thought it would be easy, just as easy as it was to watch the Ponds run around together falling in love more and more every time they looked into each other’s eyes. She thought she would be happy for them, and partly she was. She absolutely adored the way Yaz’s eyes lit up when she spoke to Ryan, she felt like she had succeeded with the way Ryan was no longer uncomfortable when Yaz would touch him unexpectedly. Except there was one small, tiny issue. She wished it was her. Every time Yaz would grab Ryan’s hand or rest her head on his shoulder she wished it was her because that was the problem. She was madly and irrevocably in love with Yasmin Khan.

It started out in just the little things, the way she would linger on Yaz’ gaze a little longer than the others, the way she would grab her hand even when it would be far easier to grab one of the others. The way she would consider Yaz’s opinions above those of Ryan and Graham, much to their annoyance. These things didn’t register to The Doctor at first, she had done this many times before after all running down hallways hand in hand with Donna Noble or Clara Oswald. However this time it felt different; her hand fit so perfectly in her own, the way her eyes sparkled, well The Doctor could have sworn she could see whole constellations in them. 

Then that's why this hurt so much. Yaz now staring at her with expectant eyes after just dropping the biggest announcement of her life on to the Doctor’s shoulders. The question is still ringing in her ears and The Doctor tries to search frantically for an answer in her head; ‘Doctor Doctor!!’ she came in shouting with a smile so big it could blind millions, ‘Ryan just proposed!! And we want you to officiate the wedding!!’. Yaz failed to notice the moment, where if she was just to look into The Doctor’s eyes she would see her heart shatter into a million pieces like the heart of a supernova, as within milliseconds a fake wide smile was plastered upon her face. ‘Of course, Yaz, I’d love nothing more!’ She says with fake enthusiasm praying to every God she could think of so her voice wouldn’t crack.

What else could she have said ‘No I’m in love with you?’. No, she couldn’t do that to her, couldn’t force that guilt upon her, couldn’t allow Yaz to sacrifice her happiness for the sake of herself. She’s The Doctor, after all, she should always put her companions happiness above her own, that's just what she does. However, this is much harder than it should be because every part of her body is screaming at her to stop, to confess, to make her life so much easier. But she can’t because to do that would be to remove the smile from Yaz’s face to take her happiness away.

The next few months were pure hell, watching them more in love than ever, constantly planning and asking questions, writing their declarations of love for each other, running around the Tardis hand in hand with Yaz’s ring gleaming under the harsh Tardis lights. The worst part was the dress shopping, The Doctor insisted that she didn’t need to go and that she could take her other friends however Yaz insisted that she be there and The Doctor, as much as she knew it would be torture just being there, just couldn’t say no to her. And so there she sat watching the woman she loved parade around a shop looking for wedding dresses to marry her Fiancé, because even though the thing she wanted most in the world was for her to be happy; it hurt like hell watching her be so happy because of someone that wasn’t her.

And so the day arrived. They were all crammed into the small community center, as per Ryan’s request. The Doctor, now sat in the front row, sat twiddling her thumbs and trying to maintain a delighted expression whilst engaging Graham in conversation (something about some of his old bus driver pals?), however, there was only one thing on The Doctor’s mind, that could have been her. The rational side of her brain throws this out immediately knowing that Yaz would never have feelings for her, however, the irrational emotional side of her brain begins cursing her for never admitting her feelings. 

Suddenly the music builds in the room and the door swings open. ‘Holy shit’ The Doctor muttered under her breath, she looked gorgeous, no gorgeous was not the right word. The only way The Doctor could describe her was like the universe herself, her smile beaming with the light of a thousand stars, her eyes alight with the power of pure and unfiltered happiness at the thought of being with the man she loved. The Doctor felt sick, she knew she should feel happy for Yaz, she felt guilty for not doing of course; but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was making a mistake only paralleled by the feeling of leaving the love of her like Rose Tyler on that beach so many centuries ago.

As she made her way to the front of the hall she finally understood how River felt. You can stare and hope at the stars for as long as you want, but you would never expect a sunset to admire you back.


End file.
